Santa, Seattle Needs you!

Dear Santa:

I am dreadfully worried no one will save Christmas in Seattle this year.

It just feels, well you know, different this year. The rains have come and there just aren’t enough long socks and Hunter boots from Nordy’s to really insulate myself from the egos this year. People are cutting in line and driving like Jesus was never born Santa!  I’ve tried standing under the Mistletoe blowing kisses and bear hugging myself…..nothing…. I’ve tried stomping in puddles, like I do most years and the joy just doesn’t spatter up on my jeans like it used to. In fact, the puddles are murkier than ever -I cannot see my reflection. I hear sirens, not jingle bells and the malls are playing Kenny G’s Christmas’ I nearly choked on my gingerbread, really Santa, Smooth Jazz Christmas everywhere!

Oh and the weather, Frightful!   I went outside to hang my wreath on my door, I could easily walk outside in my underwear with nary a goose bump Santa…..It’s too warm for Christmas!   I’ve tried the usual fixes, listening to, “DO they know it’s Christmas time on my record player, singing Rockin’ around the Christmas tree in my best Rosemary Clooney voice, I belted out the Kinks Father Christmas loud enough to get sneered at, someone even told me Go back to Chicago!  BTW last year you forgot my Karaoke Machine.

Santa, I just need a little more spirit this year and I don’t mean the craft distilled vodka people seem to be into.   I just need your cheeks to be a little rosier, your smile to sparkle and greet mine, the clerks don’t even smile back…..Can you also leave a path of soot for me to write my name in and could you just eat the whole plate of cookies and not just drink the milk this year, I mean I use organic butter?   Santa I wish Toy boats would cut it but with Ebola all all, I kinda want a Microscope, and a T-shirt that says “just breathe” we are beyond silly putty. One thing I just have to remind you, as you know I told one of your clones in the mall, it would mean a lot to me If you could make sure no one gets toy guns…. with the red cap or not. Santa, ban them. It’s time, even cap guns and you know how I loved those, just ban them all, water pistils, BB guns. Just ban them this year in honor of lives lost locally, just ban them next year too.  Oh and before I get to baking……could you splurge on the really good REAL peppermint Candy Canes, just saying…..peppermint is so soothing, which reminds me,  your chubby little belly that jiggles when you laugh, yeah, you can even wake me this year, just so I can have a peek at it!  And do that hairy bagel thing you do…..I could use a good laugh-It’s that bad this year Santa. You are needed more than ever.   Thank you Santa for being real, Seattle people could learn a thing or two. I know you understand…….and you already know all this, after all- you ARE magic.

P.S. I am leaving Bourbon Balls, do not feed them to the Reindeer, if you know what I mean.

Merry, Christmas Santa