Must I?

The task today was simple- Cook the kids breakfast, eggs in tortillas.  Pack the lunches.   Take the kids to school, write a little, pick up the kids, get milk at the store,  replace the missing small frying pan, help  with homework task; writing proverbs, “we need to write proverbs.”   My daughter says-“it’s too hard.”  “Huh?” I say,  not looking at her.   My thirteen year old just asked me for help?  My body freezes and my head lifts up from my desk.    That’s a first.    Are you listening mom?    ” They never ask for my help.  Why when I am feeling delicate, ill matched with the job, more reclusive in my thoughts that usual,  ,whey when the only ephihany for me today was, A mom on some days is translated as superhuman, miraculous, overqualified for the job, do today I translate as: “a middle aged nothing,”  why when I happily distracted by doing random google search: “celebrities that are sober? She asks me now?   Why? I don’t have it to bring?    Oh yeah, I am a mother.   This response “Oh honey, I am fresh out of proverbs” or  “I feel strangely alone.” Is simply not allowed.    Instead I shake like a wet dog trying to rid my melancholy. Wow, Bradley Cooper and Eva Mendes, sober  Coooooool!”        Yes, proverbs on courage, wow really?    Okay.   Well timed, I think..  I could use a whole list of proverbs on courage, I love proverbs.  I stop and google proverbs.  ” a pithy and short saying that is a profound statement of advice.   Hmmm.  I write one down “be sure and check in regularly with your feelings so as to avoid growing fangs?     Yes.   God, I am just not good at anything today.   I am just a chauffeur a chef, a punching bag…  I feel the fresh wounds of change.  Mainly since that helicopter with the Obama’s in it flew away.

My daughters expression says so much.    “I don’t think I handled today very well.”  Yeah I mean, a mom shouldn’t yell at a kid.  Shit.  I mean,  I didn’t?    I am so disgruntled inside I’m pretty sure, I didn’t take those pills for my “affliction.”   I sure didn’t take my calcium or I might be calm?   She’s right, I may have even yelled at the girl we carpool with I mean, did I really call her ungrateful?    Ugggh.  How do I peel off the sweaty boxing gloves and put on the glittery fairy wings now?

“I am sorry Greta.” I say out loud.    (I am practicing without the use of her real name.)  I should never have roped you into the ungrateful boat.   “I messed up and I’m sorry.”     Maybe next time, I just tell the kids I’m feeling sensitive?  My mom armor is in the shop getting shined?  The thing is, words are out there forever. And when I say and do the wrong thing It answers that question so many moms have so often  Do I really exist or am I invisible?  So,  Less coffee, more self care, more asking for compliments. Perfect, I have a plan. I’ll start tomorrow.   I will turn the light on when I choose a pair of underwear even, land it properly on my butt, not inside out, like my heart lately.

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