“Yeah, Hi……Mr. Robinson, my name is Lisa Smetzer and I know we’ve never actually met. My husband Paul works for you? Yeah, just a heads up, he may be a little lagging this month, so I thought I should warn you. Yes, I am taking a sabbatical from my job”….He responds, “Oh what is it? I was unaware that you worked?” “Oh yes, I just was promoted actually to senior house wife and grocery procurement officer, my kids are teens now so that took a while. It’s just that you know how much a job can sap you, and reputation is everything. I really want to meet all my goals this year and I am still waiting for the second ring to go with my engagement ring, so it’s imperative I get a good review. You know parenting, like managing, there is no room for error, you of all people should know, million dollar contracts and all. They only call you out on something to ream you a new one really. The other day I forgot Catsup, sheesh what scene! Anyway, I know you’re a busy man, so I’ll keep this short, can just promise me, his job is safe?” “I don’t I understand Miss Smetzer?” “Well, you realize our kids are extremely challenging personalities; they’re involved in lots of activities to keep engaged in Swim team, play practice, select soccer, and all these require paperwork too. I mean we don’t “over book ” them or anything like that- but if they don’t get their musical outlet the parent-bashing some days they call me retard and tell me, and take over the t.v. for hours. For a while their my husband and I couldn’t keep the wine rack full enough, (forced laughter) So, we realized that perhaps our own children were taking a toll on us? I mean they were kind of challenging, calling us names and fighting bed time, sneaking onto the blocked parenting channels what is it called something Ranch?…anyway. He may be called away from his desk a bit, he’ll be driving a lot, in and out of the car, ortho check-ups, he has to maintain my blog while I’m away I have like 200 followers I need to keep. Driver Ed, my son will driving him to work so that could take a while…… lots of paperwork goes with kids. Do you have a minute, you have a wife and kid? Wow- three?…….Shit…so this could be helpful to you both?
This scenario probably goes through a mom’s head once in a while. It’s good to have a dress up lunch hours and a hotel say to clear the head, Great Wolfe lodge doesn’t count. It’s also okay to assign him Catsup and toilet paper pick up, maybe even he does his laundry until you catch up? Fluffy robes are available to make you feel like you at the spa, go buy one and take a long shower, that is what movies are for. When that voice in your head is fixated on the wine section at the grocery store, think of what it does to you skin? When you do slip away the spa with the brown rice and Kale may be just what you need, rather than martini night out?
And when you get back thank him and his boss. It’s important to hold hands and throw back some unnaturally yellow, greasy popcorn at least monthly, movies are an escape, and never gamble 4 star picks only, so that two hours isn’t a waste. Take a break from PTA meetings,no one is truly impressed or unimpressed if you attend so use that time to go buy a new bra, lipstick and cards for all the birthdays next month or white roses for that new vase you found hiding in the cupboard.
So gals, if you suffer from Momnesia, where you have a lapse in yogurt picking, who wouldn’t there are twelve kinds, from the kind that makes you poo daily to the ones, when squeezed come out electric blue cause that’s appetizing; and that was before the Greeks got involved…. if you get the orange juice with pulp or GOD FORBID, the sugar free pudding at the store, here it is, I, your peer, forgive you!
Moms here it is, allow yourself some time to fail and be okay with it. I believe in you- you will get it right next time! I know you are a good listener, despite what they’ve told you. I even know that YOU know they hate sandwiches and you put them in to be a rebel. I too am on the “side” of the sandwich itself kids have no respect for the compact portability and beauty of the Its those fucking gluten haters, they brainwashed kids as moms. I mean Jesus broke bread to feed the masses, BREAD people! I say savor the rebellion in you, keep putting in things you love. They don’t know how much you sacrificed for them! They have your husbands I.Q to boot. They think 401K is a fun new app for 3 D car racing on their Kindle. Me, I get it. Try to have more fun everyday, and your kids will reap the rewards. And if it all plays out over the years, they’ll be calling you for your famous Quinoa stuffing recipe and using all the those endearing “mom phrases just as I used my favorites today, “don’t dawdle” and “as useless as tits on a wall” right, I turned out fine? Stop modeling yourself after Mother superior, be tenacious enough clairvoyant enough, superhuman enough, and keep forgiving your imperfect mothering. I urge you not to really get the point you want to “call his boss. Be moved, enough by my words, to plan a day off. and start enjoying the hardest job you’ll ever do and more rewarding than any you’ve done or will do ever again, motherhood is here to stay!