Hot Mama, Cool Kid

Of course there are voices in my head……at 43 its not early on-set dementia, it’s my mantra for surviving two kids.
They say to me ‘brush it off- 14 year olds are terrified when faced with the real truth that their mannerisms are indeed exactly mirrors of their mom and everything else they hate right now.
When he says “ I hate you mom” and “you’re retarded” he just means, I don’t know how to deal when he sees his friends make that face that says…”your mom is sort of HOT.”
“ When he says, “I am so much smarter than you” he means, “ I am scared shitlesss that it takes two hours to type an English report and that is not counting the time he gets up to take five drinks of water, go to the bathroom and fidget nervously with his hair….it also reminds him of the same panic he sees in you when you are late and searching for your car keys…….and it kills me that YOU medicate your world away with words, like pus from and old wound and I cannot untangle these trapped words and catch them on paper because I am not yet mature enough to think I am smart.
When he says “you won’t get these feet in for a pedicure when I’m alive” he is just mirroring back your powerlessness, and inability to get him to do anything, including make him care that he in fact grew hobbit feet out of those same soft piggies you used to kiss and tickle.
Other torturous moments where you wanted him desperately to do something besides shoot at the t.v. and maybe read a book on an actual topic other than Halo or Navy Seals picture books have arrived…the color is coming back to your face and the wrinkles are a little less prominent when, you look into the mirror, muster a half smile and say, “you did it, you parented successfully……”.he is 15 next week and you can wonder less now about if you’ll both live to 2015- which was dicey for a while because for the first time when you point blank asked yesterday…….. “Did I really fuck you u,-like Grandma says I did?……He answers “we’ll not really, because giving me the love of laughter; comedy and music….has actually made up for all of the other stuff mom.”

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