Ode to my dead Laptop

I know you’re there. I want you desperately to know I’ve been watching, waiting to participate, but unable to touch you. I am still mystified by how unresponsive I was to your many subtle hints. I was, in denial perhaps? The feeling is that one… ya know, where the world is muted, the plastic wrap is pulled tight, softening my view. I can see, but touch is what I need. With the barrier between us, you’re suddenly out of my grasp. There is but a tiny peep hole that lets in the light and the smell of rain. I have so much to say, how could it be you had to die for me to realize how special you were? If I was your breath, you were my lungs….. two weeks without writing, I feel like Bambi learning to walk on the ice, just now. Still, the familiar has become unfamiliar and I’m slipping a bit. What you should know is, next time you fade to black, with all of my words stuck inside you, Toshiba….I will be more prepared. I mean it, you scared me, you were unable to recognize my touch, my smell, my raspy voice, deeper than most women’s voices; husky, chocolaty deep; my greasy fingers soft with lavender and sticky from the lemon I squeezed in my tea, my occasional profanity jabbing the air as I make a key slip or hit a concept that gets me all jazzed up….electrified by how satiating it is to feel meaningful, and matter…. to the point I have to say out loud, FUCK, FECK, FETCH, YEAH! Or just cause no one is around and it cuts powerfully through the silence……you were completely impermeable to my wafts of creative mania, I felt so alone. It was when paired with your absence and Facebook breaking up with me, all under the guise of password “protection,” all 200 friends that took three years in the making, down the shoot…admittedly, I grappled with whether to plug back into all I’d nurtured in the microcosm of technology land. Should I reenter the world and it’s voyeuristic platform of modern communication? Is it good that all will know my every thought, mood and move, impulse intimately?…..Well, here I am, swiping, tapping, mistakenly closing windows, voice-activating; backing things up with clouds….hoping they are toxic, polluted by hackers, fluffy, not stormy, white clouds, in case I suddenly join you in the great intangible app in the sky….I should just get it over with now, Goodbye. I hate to be robbed of that word if my demise goes by the way of my laptop….for what it’s worth. We control freaks prefer to have the last word. Goodbye Toshiba, with my blog followers as my witness, I will get on without you. Change has gifted me new perspective. I will meet face with newness and change and take only from it what I need. I now know how important you all are… you-that fuel my inspirations, you- that ready my eager fingertips, you- whose click from wherever it is you are means so much to me “like.” (insert happy sigh). I almost taste it caramel sweetness. I receive it, as a good Catholic receives the host, readied tongue, crossing myself…qualifying my efforts with “So and so…thought that was” PRETTY AWESOME, ” vindicating me, resetting all to Good status. Translation “that is reeeally good.” I hope I too fill your emptier days..that my words are just what you need to hear to press on, and I promise not to take you for granted. You know, in case you suddenly blip out forever, you are that special. Take it from me, don’t hold it in. Pull out a piece of paper and pen and just complete your thought, cause they are precious…and should never be held captive inside of a dead computer. Go on write them down and file them, smudgy ink and all. Goodbye……for now that is.

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