Perfect Purse

Well let me first just give credit to my lost hero, Nora Ephron who was called away perhaps to make the big man up above giggle?   She hated her purse as much as I do-this I know because one of the chapters of her many great books was titled “I hate my purse.”

      So, in answer to my daughter’s question : “if you could invent the perfect purse, what would it look like mom?”  It would not have silk nor a black lining- but some highly absorbent, non-tear, impermeable fabric, one… that minimizes smells.  Uh-huh-that’s what I’m talking about!    This is handy when you’re on the go and you shove a banana peel in there or the new marijuana law has you sampling some alternatives to Advil….These items can be a little stinky in your purse.   It should be an easily laundered fabric so when your lipstick cap wriggles loose and artfully, patterns the inside lining like a toddler and freshly painted walls, it wipes clean.    Next it would have some glow in the dark fabric that when exposed to light, lights up when opened.   So, when you rifle through it late at night after crawling outta the bar….I mean after one of those marathon PTA meetings, it glows when exposed to moonlight.  Also I would put a voice activated feature inside it for when you are late to Sunday mass and need donut money.  So when you call out, where is my god damned purse-I’m late! It chimes like church bells ringing.   This is also a calming, refocusing moment of reaffirming you’re not alone, there is a safety net,  God truly is with you……you know, in your purse-so no one needs to know  that you don’t  REALLY manage all of life by yourself, it just looks that way.

     The mechanics of it would be understated but slimming with a strap or long belt, for hands free shopping and a detachable belt with a boob groove.  This I like so when slung across you, it does not encroach on the space of us larger breasted ladies.  The Belt/Strap feature is key.   Ingenious if I may be so bold.  It turns into a belt for when you are so stressed out from running to Girl Scouts -soccer practice- swim meets-early dismissals-and that chat with principal- that you can use it, like a belt to cinch your pants in, when you’ve surprisingly lost ten pounds.  Or undo a button and keep them up still if you are a “stress eater” instead.

     I also envision it will have a built in mirrored-bottom, so when you don’t want to be obvious your checking for a boogie in your nose or spinach in your tooth, you can just peek in quizzically as If you’re truly just looking for your Altoids. 

     Also, there should always be a hidden pocket, in case you leave your purse somewhere and someone else per chance has the open invitation to rifle through it, looking for your ID.  A smoothly finished deep hollow, right on the stitching is a perfect cave for your stash or the last cigarette from that package you bought, when you realized your life was so mundane, it was time to take up some risk-taking hobby that felt reckless, but required little time.  Lastly they should come with a couple of mini tube sized holders for Chapstick, and for those sample perfumes from Nordstrom’s for the Chanel and Marc Jacobs new fragrance that your husband has no clue you even like.  These come in handy when that beckoning moment after a week of constipation finally arrives….at exactly the wrong time!  A two person office with one bathroom, a new boyfriend’s house, you know what I’m getting at.   Mom told you never to hold it in!  In fact, if you hate your purse, don’t hold it in ladies.  Mamas got a brand new bag coming to market….now to find some venture capitalists to fund this money maker, any takers?  

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