To Be continued

It’s sad that I cannot juggle more plates at present as this site has become increasingly more meaningful and revered for me.  I pour my love here; all the love my teenagers toss back at me, it lands here!  Wordfulwhimsy.com has evolved from a daily unedited blog rant, started from one night of insomnia to a network of refined techniques and profound discoveries of some extremely brilliant and diverse followers!

For the next few months I will be dedicating every comma, every characterization every tweet from my brain to my feet to my young adult novel!  It’s currently being called Queenie and Roscoe’s gift but we know how things morph and change.   My book is based on four Characters who have been planning a trip to Europe….. and Europe leads to Northern Africa somehow.  Their trip was a dream for years.  They had planned it in detail since Middle school and the one adult who urged them to go taught them more, it turns out, than simply the rules and secrets to some serious rounds of poker.

The four girls find themselves on many unforeseen adventures and while they thought they had packed everything, there are some things they simply couldn’t have prepared themselves for.   On a movie set in the middle of the dessert, secrets are revealed.  The four friends learn something about each other and in turn they learn something even deeper about themselves. Upon their return from their overseas explorations they decide to take on one of the most powerful organizations in the United States, in order to help a true friend in need while channeling her pain into action.

Stay Tuned or follow me on Twitter Lisa Behrens@theeotherlisa

 

 

Must I?

The task today was simple.  Cook the kids breakfast, eggs in tortillas.  Pack the lunches.   Take the kids to school, write a little, pick up the kids, get milk at the store,  replace the missing small frying pan, help them with an unusual homework task; writing proverbs, “we need to write proverbs.”   My daughter says-“it’s too hard.”  “Huh?” I say,  not looking at her.   My thirteen year old just asked me for help?  I stop everything.  That’s a first.    Are you listening mom?    ”  They never ask for my help.  Why when I have observed such the delicate nature of my state of comfort in the world, as a mom which currently translates for me, into a middle aged “nothing,”  why when I am at a low point only made obvious to me by the fact that I just randomly googled celebrities that are sober? why does she ask me now?   Why must I bring it when I just don’t have it to bring?    Oh yeah, I am a mother.   There is no room to explain today “Oh honey, I am fresh out of proverbs” or  “I feel strangely alone.”   Instead I don the courageous hat and hide how much melancholy I feel today, why must I?      Wow Bradely Cooper and Eva Mendes, sober  Coooooool I think to myself.      Yes, proverbs on courage, wow really?  Well timed, I think.  yes,  My mental state is delicate.  I could use a whole list of proverbs on courage, I love proverbs.  I stop and google proverbs.  ” a pithy and short saying that is a profound statement of advice.   Hmmm.  I write one down “be sure and check in regularly with your feelings so as to avoid growing fangs?     Yes.   God, I am just not good at anything today.   I am just a chauffeur a chef, a punching bag…  I feel the fresh wounds of  life the newness of change and comfort in contrast to discomfort.   Mainly since that helicopter with the Obama’s in it flew away.  Now the headlines keep coming, Trump this Trump this, Trump That.   News bombarding me from everywhere, I feel like when I finally sit down news will permeate from my pores like bad BO.    I don’t want to see the headlines at Safeway.

My daughters expression says so much.    “I don’t think I handled today very well.”  Yeah I mean, a mom shouldn’t yell at a kid.  Shit.  I mean,  I didn’-t I ranted.   I am so disgruntled inside I’m pretty sure, I didn’t take those pills for my “affliction.”   I sure didn’t take my calcium or I might be calm?   She’s right, I may have even yelled at the girl we carpool with I mean, did I really call her ungrateful?    Ugggh.  How do I peel off the sweaty boxing gloves and put on the glittery fairy wings now?   I am not a bad person or even a crazy one, but, I have some undoing to do.   I will not skip yoga. I will do it now, apologize.  I’ll even be early to yoga to lay on my mat and sulk about how unappreciated I am feeling.    Maybe I will  go to the slammer for this one, maybe I’ll just have to pay the fee,  just like at the library, I mean sometimes I just think they will eventually haul me to library prison.  Yes, maybe I am crazy, I do  I shell out cash for free books?

“I am sorry Greta.” I say out loud.    (I am practicing without the use of her real name.)  I should never have roped you into the ungrateful boat.   “I do drive this way  and I too prefer when we stop for ice cream rather than have an in-car lecture?”    How was anyone supposed to know I had such a droopy dispirited heart today?  “I messed up and I’m sorry.”     Maybe next time, I just tell the kids I’m feeling sensitive and ask my son to please not call me tard or idiot, just not today, PLEASE, I am ill equipped.    My mom armor is in the shop getting shined?  The thing is, words are out there forever. And when I say and do the wrong thing It answers that question so many moms have so often  Do I really exist or am I invisible?  So,  Less coffee, and requests for more compliments. Perfect, I have a plan. Oh and maybe if I get up  five extra minutes tomorrow I will turn the light on when I choose a pair of underwear and land it properly on my butt, not inside out, like my heart lately.

Too Late?

Things that are planned are usually birthed in the Spring.  I’ve noticed that extremely well organized people have babies always born in Spring.  Well laid plans have never been my strong suit.   Is it my Winter birth that forever follows me?     Winter is the death of Spring perhaps?        Maybe the death of something is truly the birth of another.  Still it’s Spring, I know because I barely leave the couch in Winter and today there is a bounce, a purposeful vigor about my every step, as if I am showing up to my first day on the job.      Today without knowing it, for better or worse the resurgence of a story  has been birthed, one that has been writing itself in my sub conscious,  finally to be resolved.        I can see budding crocus outside my door, just the green tips poking through the recently thawed earth.   The color of them a happy reminder of how powerfully perfect nature is.   I love the crocus, and planting them, putting this blonde chestnut of hope deep into the ground, once you’ve forgotten them they appear again.   I have forgotten what color I chose at the Nursery then my joy blooms double fold -they weren’t just limited to purple alone.  The petals shine with white stripes, delicately painted upwards, undecided, against the rules, I like that.       If I had time to check my calendar I’d see it was the last day in April.

On this day it wasn’t merely dirt the eager buds busted through; because so much happened to make the world so much bigger that day.  So much beckoned to slow me down and tell me “take notice.”     The very ground should’ve been worthy of new admiration, that place that started from many layers and earned the importance of being rich like earth not just soil that merely drops from one’s shoes.   I was even cleaning up my appearance that day which deserves fanfare; stripping off the old shirt that smelled like me, too much of me, all stretched into a bigger pattern of my body, my own form- the shirt with it’s creases, stretched and mis-shapen was not enough protection and comfort for later events, it hung loosely about me, like my soul that day.      I was racing, shoveling  spoonfuls of frosted Mini Wheats, thankfully the last they’d been opened the packaged was tightly sealed, I smiled at that, baby steps I thought….the rice milk dripping down my chin.   I was the classic under planner where time was concerned I always thought I had plenty.

On this day the birds chirped that much louder.   Noise, I was always sensitive to.  The sun wanted to shine, the air felt of desperation or so I thought, but the chirping was squawking and fighting, even the birds were quarreling , probably about why the sun couldn’t just shine today, just this once. April Showers……

And As I nervously twirled my hair and scooted across the street, flinging water spatters up the back of my jeans, I tried to avoid the eyes of the homeless men and women that dressed as men, dirty with their pretend gaze of hope, rattling a paper cup below their toothless smiles….I looked to the ground-  not today I thought.   Seconds later life teetered above me and the crushed metal and the sound of screeching rubber was all consuming,  young handsome faces,  were there three of them or were my eyes working properly?  They must be working I feel their input, stares,  mouthing words, “are you okay?” ” Can you hear me?” but the honesty and horror direct from there eyes deep into mine told the real story.

It was still up to me to stop hurrying.   I never did.    The ambulance slid around the corner sideways,  as if the frost had glazed the pavement like a doughnut just about to be dipped in coffee, it all changed.  The paper said speed was a factor-not ice.   She was so eager to get to the 6th floor,  to ride the old rickety elevator with the screen that pulled across and the carved metal and the clanking sounds that made you question whether to take the stairs today or risk not knowing.     When it hit her, silence, the world shut down, every one stopped dead, like a trendy moment on you tube; frozen mannequins.  The paramedics stepped out with stretchers and the beggars surrounded us too.   What spilled forth from her blood on the street made them gasp  and step back a moment.    There she lay amidst the pavement, the smell of urine no longer a concern,  her black velvet shoes pointed  at the shopping carts filled with sleeping bags and remnants of attempts at life.  They had  front row seat to even more sadness,  real sadness, hope never realized, a life once cradled in gentle caring hands, the  ring leader of drunken  vagrants pressed through the crowds that had assembled and peeled off his dirty overcoat, folding it to cushion her head from the hard wet pavement,  as if she were a tender thing.      When she bled onto the street words fell from her blood, leaked out of her, all over the pavement like the street were a blank TV screen with an early morning children’s program spilling the ABC’s.     Words released themselves looking to be caught like silvery jumping fish avoiding a net.    Visibly the words spilled as if straight from her veins, airplane, sandwich, heartbreak, guns,  Morocco, Retriever, author, philanthropist; dreams dashed when it appeared from the look of her skin and the sheen of her blonde hair there was so much time still?        Why an ambulance, why, why?!    That was mere frosting on a bitter, bitter cake, why was she rushing to her therapists that day and not to her publisher?

Yes, Something was off.

It was Sunny and 70 Degrees in Seattle on Election Day 2016.  That should have triggered that things were off.  Many women excitedly accepted the secret pantsuit challenge on Social Media. Yes and well women… agreeing to wear pants suits?……In Seattle that is unnatural-our closets are filled with yoga pants, 100 dollar pairs of jeans and cute sneakers.  A wardrobe that rarely calls for hairspray or heels.    But, to nominate a woman in the highest office in the US?  We’ll do anything.  For the future of wage equality for our young daughters, we’ll do anything!    We didn’t just embrace that we would finally elect a woman,  we happily played the “woman card” saying rich educated men can no longer be in charge of us!   But as much as we said “hell no”   to men being experts on foreign security,  and women being experts on baking pies, the rest of United States didn’t feel that way.

If America looked to the office of a presidency akin to selecting which blind date to pick on Match.com they wanted reckless abandonment, not the nice guy.

I know it hurts democrats, it does.   But rest assured, we survived 9-11, we can survive negative leadership.    Our Grandparents survived an America that oppressed blacks, and we just  had two lovely terms that defined our level of  humanity, open, progressive and fine with a kick ass, black president who showed not only is he good at basketball, he is good at promoting peace and promoting affordable living while reminding us how desperate we are to avoid battle and how eloquent a black man in the highest office can be when graced with speaking to our nation.     What we stand for is indeed change and that is apparent no matter your party affiliation.  Americans have that in common-They want change for the better. Although with it they have espoused that Money is more important than even good manners!?    That men are indeed viewed as more powerful than women.

Americans are complacent, uninspired and ready for a revolt.  They want spirited politics and loud change.  They need conflict because conflict demands change, it doesn’t ask politely.   Americans want to rip the Band aid off and they want a Band Aid that they can afford.  They don’t want you to judge how they pay for it either or whether they sell guns for a living or build buildings with Chinese steal they just want to feel they are getting ahead.  They want to be ahead and they don’t want to be asked how they got there.  They want to feel like someone is boss of them again.  They want someone who is rich and powerful –even if their banter is as shockingly powerful as Hitler’s was, they want a loud leader and they seem  desperate to be led?       Americans aren’t convinced this is really the land of the free and the home of the brave?    Americans don’t feel brave and don’t feel like they are being told the truth.       They want to believe Edward Snowden is a hero for going against his government and for finally convincing them to start demanding the truth?

There is one prevailing feeling in America right now, fear.   They fear going to the airport, they fear going to school, they fear going to church, they fear being gay they fear being deported, they fear never affording a home.  They are angry and not feeling patriotic.         What this means is fire the cannons.     And the Republicans just did.  They are yelling-Stir the politics.    No one wants to simmer any longer.    What it means to American Democrats?   It’s no time to wallow in defeat, but rather it is time to fight harder.    Don’t read about it, volunteer for it.   Don’t donate to the Veteran’s services, go to work for them.  Don’t speak on the behalf of mental illness, gun violence, doing away with the electorate, in favor of the popular vote, get all your democratic alliances together in your very community to write a bill to make these issues top priority.      Be inspired locally and keep your democratic roots deep.

We are growing our kind of America too slowly.  We need to grow it with our actions.  IF this were a garden, we can’t plant Annuals, cause they are pretty, we must plant Perennials cause they will come back year to year.   Change and equality is a common goal.  Embrace it no matter your political affiliations.

Being Catholic

 

We Hailed Cesar,

We hailed Mary and Grace,

We hailed the priest behind the curtain,

Even without seeing his face.

We hailed the pope

Who invited us to Pray;

Even after he found out

We were openly gay.

We hailed the heavens

When the torrential storm blew in,

We nearly hailed Bill Clinton

Despite his “Sexy Sin”

We crossed ourselves when weak at the knees,

We crossed ourselves in the desert

And from nowhere, felt a breeze

But if there is to be hope,

We must hail our supreme power,

“God,” heal the worlds bitter, violent souls

Who turn our sweet world  sour.

 

 

IF I knew you liked Pie?

About to do a follow up. Watch for it this week!

WordfulWhimsy

Had you stayed in my life…..I may have not been me.  I may not have loved that boyfriend-that skater boy-the way I did.   My psyche may have preferred quiet of introspection.   I might  enjoy aligning my books in the shelf by color and size?   I may not enjoy recklessly slamming doors and speeding in my car, when I should go slow?      I may not have doted on my lover the one I loved-like no one  should love someone; with every coursing corpuscle and every molecule of oxygen in my hemoglobin…….diminished to a heap of blonde hair and blue jeans, lifeless on his porch when it was over- just  tears keeping me warm.

Had you stayed,   I may have never have reacted as I did-when a man  professed I was somebody; worthy and love-able.     I may have very well understood love differently?    Perhaps it…

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The Human Landscape

Rumbling, the earth trembling;

melding my feet to it,

molten heat;

All the world’s passion

In one room, in one body,

Still shaaaakiiiing;

Morphing one previously childlike mind.

That which liquefies metal

Isn’t hot,

it’s beyond thermal capacity-

St. Helen’s simply sneezed;

During puberty.

There were warnings,

Don’t act so blinded by ash,

Littering just within reach of the magma cone,

Ash like grey snow flakes

if not ash it would be serene….quiet,

A first snowfall.   But hard to breathe.

A once creamy epidermis,

Mottling the surrounds,

Emotions popping up, visibly on the surface

Panicked, parents scramble,

….. Should we connect the dots or make them go away?

Molten lava, fall out, run, don’t gather;

just run.

Childhood was yesterday.

The eruption of adulthood

Is supposed to clear away

Everything in its path?

 

 

There is so much more (for Kirsten)

I know you see,

There is so much more

Than the disarray

of my messy floor….

I know you see

I fidget, I fumble;

Lick my wild bang, smooth

As I approach, I stumble….

Still licking it down with the paste of my slobber

My house looks ransacked “untamed” I giggle

“Did you see the Robber?”

As if an untamed curl should evoke such scandal

Can you see there’s more, hope pleads

As I trip on my sandal.

Lines… fresh imprints from my still warm sheets

“Guten Morgen!” I blurt…in a sleepy mumble

Least my toes are polished…I look down at my feet

I’m sorry I didn’t get your early morning tweet?

I shake my head to clear the sleep

My dreams still fresh, ripe with defeat,

But I know you see

That there’ s some much more

And still somehow….

I’m glad,

you’re  at my door

It Ain’t Going Anywhere

You know which path,

You know what Y means,

Go it boldly or don’t go,

Eyes open, head high,

Listening, yes distracted, by the soundtrack-the one that plays in your head,

If you’d Knelt down and whispered in your ear,

yes, you’re own ear,

And once again a little louder,

-you’d have said, “you know better”

Standing next to the Speaker, wearing that hat, having that drink,

A sweaty mosh pit reminded you…..

“You are alive.”

I tell him “Son, ear plugs are cool,”

but don’t stand by the speakers, never;

Knowing his brain cannot jump forward in time.

Mesmerized by the drums, pulsing to a whining guitar,

Always Feeling so much more than the auditory nerves can soak up…..

Angry vocals, raw but playful,

Coming together like sugar and cream;

Nothing store bought could compare…….

honesty is meeting a stranger’s gaze,

Courage is not staving off the awkward moment

but relishing it’s teachings.

Beauty is scraping your broken self from the rubber of your shoe,

Feeling defeated but smarter.

Why did I once wince at the imperfections?

…the humiliation, unrelenting palpitations of hurt,

Handcuffs, eyes swollen from tears, defeat.

Embrace it like you did when you saw your first drag queen,

It’s heart is beating, it is truth and it ain’t going anywhere without you.